Our Baby

Around Thanksgiving, we found out that we were expecting a new little baby. We had decided to wait and tell the kids on Christmas because we knew they would be thrilled. But on my birthday, the day before we were to leave for our vacation, I got the news that things were not all right. I had went that morning to have some special lab tests completed, and my midwife called later that afternoon with the results. Needless to say I was crushed.

Telling the children was even more painful.  When we mentioned the word "baby" they were ecstatic.  It was hard to have to continue and tell them the other part. Niah was the only one who knew--she had a dream within a few days of us finding out we were having a baby. She knew we were going to have a baby, and she believed that the baby was a girl. About a week later she had another dream, and she felt that we were to pray protection for the little one. We did, and we did, and we did.

Shortly after our Great Wolf Lodge vacation, we spent some time with some wonderful friends. They knew our situation, and they had been praying with us throughout this whole journey. They greatly encouraged us to continue praying and believing for our little one until God said it was over. We knew that was the right thing to do--the hard thing, but the right thing to do. So, we continued on believing for the little life that had been given to us.

We decided that we would continue to leave our hearts open and love this little one. We began preparing for this little one to join our family. We soon returned home, knowing that we had a hard road ahead of us.  Faith and denial are often confused as the same thing. Not wanting to accept something is not the same thing as faith.  Faith is understanding the circumstances, but choosing to believe in something greater than what can be seen. The Bible tells us in Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

In other words, what we had to hold on to was the call to pray for protection over the little one.  We knew there was a problem, but we knew that if we were called to pray, then we would have to put down our fears and hurts and doubts and choose to believe for life until we were told otherwise.

Sunday, January 8th, we went to Babies-r-Us for a shopping spree. We each chose something special for the little one. Isaiah picked out a stuffed cow for the baby. Kiahna decided on a special baby rattle. Aliya's wanted to get the baby some pacifiers, and she spent a long time finding the right ones. Niah chose some beautiful bibs for the baby--a tradition that she started years ago with her other siblings. I wanted to buy a special outfit since I have bought a special outfit for each of the other children. I chose a little dress with bloomers and matching shoes. I also selected a purple blanket with embroidery that said, "Loved and Cherished". We returned home that night with lots of love and excitement in our hearts for our new little one. I am so thankful for that moment. I will treasure it always.

Early the next morning (January 9th) after TJ had gone to work, I realized when I went to the restroom that things were not good. The evidence was heart wrenching. I was only 12 weeks along, and while that may not have seemed a significant amount of time, it was long enough to produce significant labor. I immediately called TJ, and he rushed home. The pain from my heart intensified all the other pain. Even now as I type this, the pain is still all too real.

We cried...and we cried...and we cried. We had loved...and we had lost. We had fought, and yet we did not see the victory the way that we had hoped. Was I angry? The truthful answer was no. I was thankful that God had given us a chance to fight for our little one. I was thankful that we chose to love. I was thankful that our little one was now with our Savior. And I was also thankful for that future day when I will be able to hold my little one again--this time with my arms.

We had talked about names for the baby, but we weren't sure which name was the right one. Then one day while I was driving home from the store I heard the song that echos my heart's cry. Immediately the name Sarina Danielle came to mind. When I returned home, I shared the name with TJ, and he thought it was beautiful. The name is very significant and is layered with meaning.

Now a month has passed. We knew as a family that we wanted to have a little memorial service for our baby, so yesterday we did. TJ took us to the spot where he had spent some time grieving and praying over the past few weeks. It was beautiful, peaceful, and perfect. After spending a few moments sharing what was on our hearts, we went back to the Indian restaurant. This time we asked for one of the special occasion rooms so that we could have the additional privacy.

We brought all the special things that we had collected and selected for the baby. Over the past few weeks, I crocheted a blanket for Sarina. Each one of our children have a special blanket that I made just for them, and so I wanted Sarina to have one as well. Many tears fell about that blanket as it was being made.

We know that it's time to continue on. We know that while our hearts hurt, we still have life to live here. We have those around us to love, responsibilities that call us to step forward. Some days are harder that others, and time...well, time is a funny thing. On one side, time moving forward begins to heal our wounds. On the other side, time brings us back to that very moment of pain that we wished to be healed from.

The day that we lost Sarina, Niah posted this on her Facebook page: "My quote of the day is from my Mom, 'Love hurts. If you didn't love, then you wouldn't hurt. As much as you are hurting is as much as you have loved'."

I am thankful that as a family, we chose to love. We opened our hearts, knowing the risk, and we chose love.

For those who may not have known, please do not be upset.  We knew that while others may have felt sorry for our loss or sadden that we were so sad, the real pain was within our little family--the loss was ours to grieve.

I heard this song a few days after we lost our baby. I now refer to this song as 'My Heart's Cry'.  The deep groans of my heart are echoed in the lyrics. I can not listen to this song without crying. It is my heart's cry.